Another ‘Ninja Attack’ And This Time On The White House

“A California man was arrested last week in Iowa after telling police he was driving straight to the White House ‘to kill persons in power’ and was found with an assault rifle and body armor, according to federal court records,” Nathan Solis reported at the Los Angeles Times last week.

Over the holidays, there was a similar scare across the pond, with a similar suspect, a young male from a foreign country that maybe has a higher than a standard percentage of extremists that hate America, and the dude himself seems batshit crazy.

True to stereotype, the creep across the pond was allegedly packing a crossbow, and the American idiot was allegedly loading a rifle with some heat, body armor, medical kits, and a grappling hook.

It is why England lost a war to Americans back in ‘83.

According to the LA Times, the would-be White House assassin “was pulled over on Interstate 80 in Cass County, Iowa, on Dec. 21 for driving aggressively.”

Here’s what he told the police:

“He told a sheriff’s office that he didn’t like the government or President Biden and that he was going to Washington, DC. According to a six-page federal complaint filed in the Southern District of Iowa and unsealed Wednesday, he was carrying a ‘kill list’ of targets saved from TikTok videos.”

Also: “Xiong told investigators that he would ‘do whatever it takes to fulfill his goal’ and that if he were released, he would “continue flying to the White House.”

So this guy went out driving over several states trying to bump into the police, and when they stopped him, basically told them: “Lock me up in prison for as long as possible. No, seriously, as long as I can get you to lock me up just by talking.”

He dressed it up with religious jargon about “evil demons in the White House” and Hollywood movie references like “his plan to sneak into the White House through what he characterized as a ‘weak place,’ and how he would use a grappling hook to climb over the outer fencing.” But he just walked up to the prison industrial complex and said, do me. You should have never trusted Hollywood.

Though, this isn’t Alex Jones or Hollywood’s fault.

It’s TikTok’s fault.

Why is TikTok always causing problems lately?

First, the misinformation campaign they let spin wild through their platform, shutting down schools from Texas to Minnesota. Real talk that is a tinge uncomfortable to think about. Can an app close schools all over a vast country for a day? That’s wild, not even that it’s a foreign app. Any app. Idgaf that you’re from California. How can we all be team players?

That was after all the TikTok videos of women being naughty girls all day and showing off to each other and all their friends and boys and everyone, and hoping they will be famous for being such a bad girl. All year for like years and years, bro. It is a maybe for an actual attack on America by the Chinese. It could be the real thing, the big one.

They are getting all our girls to be bad girls and just dance, sing, and flaunt their bodies, instead of going to school, studying, learning advanced math and language arts subjects, becoming engineers, and doctors lawyers.

While banning all their people from having nearly as much fun as Americans are allowed to have, so they’ll study hard and beat us in the space race and as global economic, strategic rivals, maybe even military rivals, if you believe all the worries that they’re going to come over here and get us!

TikTok is what that old Cold War joke between Russia and the US Tetris was about. They’re getting us all distracted and wasting our time wanting to be bad girls so they can advance and outcompete us for resources. It was so effective that an epidemic of young men now wants to be bad girls. It’s just unbelievable how crazy it is out there, dawg.

Even I want to be a bad girl when I’m on TikTok, seeing how much fun they’re having, and how good they look, and how pretty they are, and their dance moves too. It is just a theory, but the White House ninja attacker was probably scared of how much he wanted to be a bad girl after using TikTok and would instead go to prison while attacking evil demons in the White House (NB: for the official record, yes, officer, let me tell you my pronouns) like a real man.

Holy crap, right? People are so scary. Even if this guy isn’t like that, think of how many people are.